Recording Studio (aka bedroom)

Hi folks!

This is what I've been doing these days - revamping my website and redoing all the recording for it. Audio, visual, everything. I've learned sooooo much techie stuff - enough to make my head spin and appreciate all those smart people who dropped out of their ivy league schools to invent stuff like this.

So I'm recording bass lines and piano chords over songs in Garage band this week. And what chord symbols mean and stuff like that.

Yup, I recorded me playing on the piano, Garageband reads it as MIDI so I can change things on screen such as note velocity, pitch, rhythm... and then layer it over the song. And this picture is a screenshot! I just learned how to do that like last week.

Fun stuff. Back to work.

awww..... from an old student

hey ms. wu its me stepahnei suarez omg yeah i know I MISS YOU SO MUCH!!!!!YEP SO YEAH WHATS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE ?AND ALSO OMG WE SHOULD GO SHOPPING LOL I MEAN IF YOU WANT OH YEAH AND HAPPY HALLOWEEN MARTIN AND EVERY BODY ELSE WANTS YOU TO COME TO MY PARTY ITS ON OCT.30

6:30-11PM YEAH SO THE address is [ ] if you want to come and if your not busy yeah i put a clown since halloween is coming up lol bye please write back

faith

this is pastors' appreciate month! i am incredibly thankful for my pastor and all the leaders at my church. i was just reflecting today on how far God has brought me and that just a few short years ago, i was still in the throes of clinical depression and not ever imagining that i could live a full and joyful life.

for those of you who knew me back in high school and/or college, and for those that didn't... i was so depressed that i slept like 14 hours a day, barely got my homework done, hated doing anything social, hated being around people, lived in my own world of escaping anything painful... and i didn't think i could ever really live a life free of my depression. everything revolved around it... and revolved and revolved and i hated my life and hated myself.

well, people had been praying for me even before i became depressed - my family, my youth leaders at EFC, my christian friends... and they prayed for me while i was going through my 9+years of depression...

i went through anti-depressants, therapy, and it's awesome and beautiful how god has brought me to a church that has seen people delivered from drugs, from gangs, and from selfishness because i saw the power of god firsthand in my own life.

being free of depression is not a one-time experience. it's an ongoing molding and stretching and shaping by the Holy Spirit. it's learning to be disciplined in the face of emotional rollercoasters, it's dealing with interpersonal issues instead of ignoring them, it's learning to hope and trust that our present troubles are momentary in comparison to our eternal glory... and all this came from the power of prayer. the prayer of faith is indeed a spiritual weapon that this world cannot stand up to.

in fact, what can we do without God's power? and what can't we do without His power?

i want to encourage you to pray with faith today. lift your voice and declare your trust in God and watch Him do the impossible for your life.

the unemployment sagas

so i've filed for unemployment. i'm technically employed by chicago public schools, but i have yet to work.

well, so there's this clause in the unemployment benefits that if you resigned, you may not be eligible for benefits unless you did everything in your power to continue to work. i sure didn't know that, otherwise i would have asked my principal to fire me. it would all be semantics anyways.

today, i talked to a lady from the illinois unemployment office on the phone - about why i resigned and what i did to avoid not having a job. it should have been a nice and easy talk, routine questions and such, but it was actually really terrible. in a funny way.

she had an accent - i'm not sure of which origin, but it wasn't spanish or asian. i couldn't understand half of what she was saying. then when i asked her to repeat herself, she got really frustrated, and kept saying the same thing, but louder - and still as unintelligible.

also, she asked questions that were really hard to answer in a yes/no fashion, such as, "did you do everything in your power to resolve this situation?" which doesn't make sense in my case because i needed to quit for the sake of my sanity. i didn't know what to tell her, and instead of giving me helpful advice about how to answer this question, she just repeated it louder and louder (in that accent!) until i said, "yes." if it was recorded, i would totally play it for you here.

my goodness, why does the government hire people like this? we were both so frustrated at the end of the conversation. and i'm probably still not going to get any of my unemployment benefits.

back to..... school?

no, sadly, not back to a masters program or something... i've finally resigned myself to the fact that my website will not make me millions (at least in the first few months) and i need to work.

so i'm declaring myself available to the chicago public schools to substitute and make some money so i don't have to move back in with my parents. that is actually a huge motivator because i can not move back in with my parents.

well, so i'll be sharing lots of funny stories with you guys here on this blog because substituting is.... can we say, going to keep things interesting.

sigh......

Still in my pjs and glasses

Hehe... I love working from home! Well, you can't call it work because I've earned.... $0.32 so far for all my work. But I feel like I'm being productive.

So it's 8:57 a.m. right now. Most people who work would be in their offices, getting their coffee, checking work email, stuff like that.

I basically rolled out of bed at 6, read my Bible, prayed, watched the sun rise... and I've been really productive for the last 2 hours!

I could get used to this.

What am I working on??? Well, I'm trying to have it up and running by tomorrow (Friday). It being my website. It's about worship music: playing by ear, music theory, new worship and Christian artists.

I'm fasting from TV media this week and praying over how or if God wants this website to be used.

I'm hoping that it could be my main source of income, from product referrals and ads and stuff.

I'm gonna go brush my teeth and get back to work. Heh.

If you want to start exploring, go here: listenwithhelen.blogspot.com

What are you doing these days?

That's what everyone keeps asking me.

Well, I'm doing lots of stuff these days (I say defensively). In August, I was out of town for 3 weeks - 2 in Guatemala with the youth for a missions trip, and 1 in LA with Jamie and my family for the Hillsong conference.

Since I've come back, I took about a week to recover from traveling - Joe, I know how you feel about just wanting to sleep in your own bed, and getting back into the swing of things at church.

I'm on the roster to substitute teach for the Chicago Public Schools, but it's only been one week, and no teacher in their right mind is going to take time off of school their first week.

So, what am I doing instead of substituting?

There's a website in the works. I'm a little embarrassed about it right now because it's my first website and I'm trying lots of stuff out. Lots of trial and lots of error.

But when it's ready to go public, you'll be the first to know. =)

camp: the best week of your life

so i've been away from civilization for a while now... and it's taken me a long time to adjust back to it. last week i was at youth camp with 33 of our church kids, in addition to 900 youth from around illinois. why is camp the best week of your life? well, there's no distractions there, no phones, internet, bills, jobs, other responsibilities - just you and God. i went as a counselor, and even though i'm there for the kids, i always meet God at camp for myself.

this time, our speaker, ron rhoads (www.ronrhoads.org) gave a life-changing sermon for each night we were there, and the Holy Spirit touched everyone's lives in a different way. for me, God confirmed certain purposes for my life, and helped me to see that ministry is all dependent on His timing and His power.

one really cool testimony is that one of the girls in my room came from a different church, and at first i wasn't sure why she was in my room. but as she shared what she wanted God to do in her life this week - to confess to her parents about her relationship with her boyfriend - another girl from our room (from our church) was able to use her testimony of the same thing, and really speak to the other girl's heart because of it. that's all God's sovereignty, putting them together like that.

another testimony that i heard later, is that a youth from our church was playing a game with guy from another church who was being really disrespectful to him and everyone else. so our youth talked to the other kid and asked him why he was at camp - to which he responded, 'to win for my team.' and our kid kept sharing with him throughout the 5 days, about how God worked in his life last year at camp, and his relationship with God... and there was a salvation altar call, and this other kid went to the altar. i know it was directly related to our kid planting those seeds in his heart.

3 of our students from church received salvation this week! and countless more learned how to pray and worship with earnestness and faith.

i wish everyone could go to camp. it is not for the faint of heart, though. every day was a 20 hour day... and i'm still fighting off the cold due to exhaustion. but it's all worth it! i feel like i ended up going on a missions trip after all.

there's pictures and videos of camp on my facebook. check them out!

the biggest point i left with is that the people around us who are not alive in christ are dead spiritually, and they need us to, in a sense, bring them back to life. the dead don't know they're dead, and they count on the living. read the story of paul and eutychus, who fell out of the 3rd story and paul raise him back to life - acts 20. the last night, over 100 kids received salvation, and all 900 of us were on our faces praying for the people in our lives who we love and don't yet know christ. we don't know the hour or the day Jesus will come back, and we definitely don't know the time or day when God says our time is up. it's morbid, i know, but eternal life or eternal death is THE bottom line. even us christians forget that, and we implement all sorts of great social work projects - but don't preach the gospel. as we love the whole person, let's not forget to love their souls that were created for eternity and relationship with God.

spartans, prepare for glory!!!

enough with the silly posts already.

as i've been 'funemployed' these last few weeks and praying for the direction God would have me take, i've been wondering what would make my life meaningful and what would bring God the most glory in the short span of time i have on this earth.

of all the jobs and careers people have, how much does the glory of God count in their decision to take the route they do? you could argue that whatever God gave someone as their talent and passion will give Him glory by that person excelling at it - like an athletic or musical or academic talent. i was thinking, though, that at my funeral, would i want people to say, "i remember helen, she played really cool chords." obviously not. who would?

and with the recent passing of the legendary michael jackson, i've been thinking a lot about fame and glory. does being so good at something that you become famous give God glory? i think the answer to that is, if the motivation behind getting famous was to give God glory, then it just might. can't think of an example of this? maybe chris tomlin, or hillsong, or brooklyn tabernacle.... billy graham, rick warren... can you think of people outside of music/ christian circles who use their fame to give God glory? maybe martin luther king jr. or winston churchill?

i don't want to be famous anymore. for the longest time, i wanted to be recognized for my music. but i've concluded that being famous (for the sake of being famous) is actually really isolating and as unfulfilling as it gets. again, michael jackson being the extreme of this example.... but sometimes extremes show us the absolutes. what i do want is to bring God glory with my life, even if it means not being recognized, or even using my so-called talent.

if you didn't figure it out yet, the title of the blog is from "300", one of my favorite movies! poor hanna sat through all the gory violence with me! =)

a whole new world duet

so my new favorite artist, gabe bondoc, youtubed himself singing "a whole new world" duet style - so the girl has to sing the jasmine part...

but this poor girl failed miserably, and i just had to share

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V_ge9ehuYxI&feature=response_watch

discovered a new artist!

call me a sap, but this song is really good! i love when he goes into falsetto at around 3:45! but i don't know why he's sitting on the toilet! lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x_Bp6RNSUVo&NR=1

this guy writes his own songs and plays covers of famous songs... i like the ones he writes better

being

now that i've been on summer break (it's easier to think of it that way, rather than being unemployed), for about 10 days, i've had some - lots of - free time. during the more hectic times of the school year, i coveted free time, i longed for it, i took random days off just to have some... but it just feels strange to have so much of it.

while i was stressed out of my mind during the school year, i was secretly proud that i could handle the little sleep and being so productive.

there's no way this is harder than teaching.. but in a way, it's really hard to just be with myself for such a long stretch of time. i'm not being called on every few seconds ("Ms. Wu, Ms. Wu!") or having to submit lesson plans, grading, etcetc... and i feel a bit directionless right now.

hopefully, this post ends redemptively! i think God is teaching me that if He was all that i had, He should be enough. i can't try to fill the emptiness with productivity, or even leisure time. even if i spend more time doing ministry work, in the end, only my relationship with Him is what matters.

i think of my grandma, who spends most of her day, every day, in the house with just my grandpa and her bible and sermons on tape. her life is singularly devoted to knowing God better, even in her old age. i want to be content with my relationship with God, to the extent of where not even having a job or a direction in life would be just fine.

direction

now that i am officially "funemployed," as dave choi calls it, i have been thinking a LOT about my future.

there is no doubt that God led me through the teaching route to discipline and grow me. i now have a much higher "work" tolerance and level of responsibility. also, there's something to be said about going to work while feeling completely crappy (pms cramps, headache, sore throat, or just the blues...) and making it through the day, doing what needs to be done. MAN, i feel like such a grown-up.

i recently watched "revolutionary road" with steph which, while on the whole, was completely depressing, was brilliant in its portrayal of the common malaises of life. there's a quote from it:

"You want to play house you got to have a job. You want to play nice house, very sweet house, you got to have a job you don't like. "

i don't think this quote is true for everyone..... but it is, kinda. i think, for me, because my love and my passions are worship, music, and ministry, (none of which are paying my bills right now) my job will have to be one that brings in the bucks, but gives me the time i need to pursue my passions.

i feel like i came upon this notion much later in life than everyone else.

i know that God didn't give me the teaching experience and my passions to leave me here to flounder in confusion. he "knows the plans he has for us, plans to prosper us, and not to harm us, to give us a hope and a future."

so i shall pray and wait on God for each next step - and i ask for prayer from you if you think of me!

5th Grade Responsibilities

i was preparing some of the material from my years of teaching to hand off to the next teacher, so i made her a list of what she needs to do..... those of you who are interested in teaching, here ya go!

5th Grade Responsibilities:

Update in the Database (FileMaker Pro on the computer)
- Reading Theme tests (by category) – paper booklets in closet
- Math Chapter tests (percentage) - in textbook
- English Unit tests (percentage) – in textbook
- TIMS labs per quarter? – on TIMS CD
- Writing Prompts (1 per quarter -Narrative, Expository, Persuasive, Creative) – choose the prompts with your partner teacher

Major events during the year
- Science Fair from October to December
- Creative Writing “Bemmys” in February
- Poetry Slam in February/ March
- Spelling Bee (time TBA)
- Hispanic Heritage Project (time TBA)
- ISAT – Reading (Multiple choice, extended response), Math (Multiple choice, extended response, short response), Writing (Expository essay)

Needs to be done by June
Health – Sex Ed – 700 minutes
- lesson plans at healthteacher.com

Per Quarter
- Grades updated for progress reports and report cards on IMPACT
-School Based Problem Solving (Red folders from Sue Colclasure)
- Updated for progress reports and report cards
- Lit Circles every other quarter – find 2 novels that the class can read and discuss in small groups

Per Week
- Lesson plans due Monday at 8 am
- Find time to meet with social workers and contact parents.
- Gradebook for all Reading grades (homework, tests, AR, etc.)

Daily
- Attendance submitted on paper AND on IMPACT
-AR – online
- Parent Contact Logs
- Anecdotes of the children’s behavior/ academics

Helpful Hints:
- A portfolio of students’ tests/ projects, kept at school
- Get all major tests signed by parents
- Delegate AR to the aid
- Parents are very interested to know how to help their child study at home (reading logs!)
- Work on times tables from Day 1
- 5th graders are terrible with adding, subtracting, multiplying, and dividing fractions
- Reading and Math groups should be differentiated by specific skills

Hi Ms Wu Its me Rene!!!

hey M.S Wu thank you so much for making this the best year ever for me and my classmates you did so much for us like the Christmas party end of the quarter parties and you even gave us all our pictures from the year thanks you were really fun im sorry that not all of us listened to you when you told us to pay attention i will miss you because you were so nice i will continue to do my very best Bye Ms Wu

biking on the lsd

nancy, kevin, and steph were visiting me last weekend, and we rented bikes from bike 'n' roll and rode down lake shore drive! i recommend doing the half day or full day to get your money's worth out of the bikes.



this is me trying to ride and film at the same time...

movie review: the wrestler

i wanted to see if it deserved all the academy awards and the 98% rottentomatoes.com rating...

warning: it is not a movie to watch while eating. there is lots of wince-inducing violence and blood.

warning #2: it is quite sexually vulgar, which i didn't realize until it was too late and i wanted to see how it ended.

so there are a few issues he works through, which are, that he is a super-senior in the wrestling world, but since it's all he knows and loves, he kills himself by taking steriods, tanning, bleaching his hair, working out like a madman, until one day after a grueling match, he has a heart attack. after the heart attack, he stops wrestling per the doctor's orders, and is miserable, which leads to him making a last hurrah. he also has an estranged daughter with whom he is trying to revive a relationship after years of terrible neglect. and he's trying to court a stripper that he has become friends with.

but the main message that won him the awards, maybe, is to do what you love - and that life is not worth living if you're not doing what you love. and that encapsulating this message in a wrestling movie is unique.

so my review... considering that the content of the movie is about wrestling and strip-dancing, i would think that there are other movies that have the same message, but with a more wholesome backdrop (like walk the line). i wonder why there had to be a stripper (and lots of inappropriate scenes) in it.... because while the movie is moving and the filming technique is interesting, i can't, for example, recommend it to people because of the content. sometimes i think hollywood just throws that stuff in there to be pseudo-artsy/ raw... but i guess it's my fault for not being more careful to read the synopsis.

on a last note, IS doing what you love worth ruining the rest of your life?

Logic question

for those of you who have not yet seen Star Trek, stop reading and go see it!




'




for those of you who have, i have a question about the movie.....

why is it that when the romulan ship and spock (from the future) go through the black hole, they go back in time, and when the vulcan planet goes through the black hole, they are destroyed forever?

other than this logical conundrum, it is a fabulous movie - i cried when kirk the father sacrificed himself in the first 5 minutes of the movie! and i thought kirk the son was the dad from august rush, but he is not. i actually thought he was not as good-looking or as heart-throbby as others might... because bad boys are not worth the trouble, ladies!!! sylar as spock was great casting, but kinda creepy. i kept expecting him to slice someone's forehead open.

No Parent Left Behind

This is a forward from Kevin Shan... who obviously has too much time on his hands... notice #3, 11, and 14

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND... These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district. Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today Please execute him.

2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.

3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10. Please 20 excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.

12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.

13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.

16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.

17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.

19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor

23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever.. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids.

Sex ed..... Why me???

This is a demonstration I'm supposed to do to show how HIV is transmitted....

Directions: Gather the following items:
cornstarch
plastic wrap
water
two twist ties
two glass beakers
iodine
a large needle

Place cornstarch inside two pieces of plastic wrap. Secure the plastic-wrapped bags at the top with twist ties. Make sure the cornstarch does not leak out. Use a needle to make several holes in one of the bags. Place each bag of cornstarch into a glass beaker filled with water. Be sure the top of the bags stays out of the water to prevent leakage into the beaker. Put several drops of iodine into the water of each beaker.

rest

this is one of those lessons i never learn...

i don't find enough time to rest because i'm so busy striving for what i think will make me happy. i'm learning that my number one sin is perfectionism. i ask so much of myself and don't allow for room to trust in God. not that i meet my impossible standards, anyway. but i always think i can if i just try hard enough.

"the Lord is my Shepherd, i shall not want..."

funny, i ask more of myself than God asks of me.

trusting in God is what i'm learning, through giving myself more grace and less expectations. through spending more time with God and less time making everything perfect. spending more time on things that really matter - my spiritual health, relationships, taking time to enjoy my life.

hmm... is watching the 2 hour season finale of 24 considered rest?

spiritual meat 'n' potatoes

i had an official kick in the butt this past sunday at church. my pastor preached a sermon for all time - about really, the simplest thing in the world, devotional time with God. the analogy he used involved two people. each day of the week, they each took a step - the one committed to reading his bible and spending time with God in the direction of God's will. and the other, careless about devotions, in a direction away from God's will. and day by day, one got closer to God's will and the other further.

it isn't about profound spiritual revelations and miracles, it's about day-to-day dependency on God.

i want to justify that my inconsistency in daily devotions is my ridiculously busy workload. but i know that if pursuing God was really my first priority, the work and the worry wouldn't be an issue.

the few days since that sermon have been like coming home after years abroad. i've been spending time in the Word and prayer at least once a day, and God has been really good to show me so many things to give me wisdom, peace, and hope. everyone should try it, really!

most of all, i'm so glad that God is so patient in my meanderings. and so willing to welcome me with open arms.

my new fave/obsession: millionaire matchmaker!

i can't believe i have never seen this show before yesterday. it was a little shocking at first, because patty, the matchmaker, is really blunt, like in a edgy new york way. but then, after i got past her bluntness, i started being really impressed with her insightfulness about relationships, and what men and women what from relationships - and most of the time, more clearly than the people themselves. it's also really fun to watch the guys and gals go on dates, or meet people, and try to guess how they're going to choose.

what have i learned about myself? it's interesting.... i've learned that i'm a pretty good catch, actually.... it's weird saying that, especially on a blog. but i guess i was never really convinced of that.

i wish patty was my friend or something so she can give me personalized advice.... although karen is very good at giving advice, and screening guys for me! although i don't think i could date any of the guys on the show..... ::shudder::

god's got someone for me... i gotta believe!

what was that?!

thanks for all your love and prayers... i don't really know what that weirdness was for those few days... but i think there was some kind of spiritual darkness that made me feel like i was still fighting off depression... which if you're my friend, you know that it was the biggest mountain in my life until a few years ago.

so tuesday night, at choir/ band practice, chrissy shared about song of songs 2:6 "his left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me" and that the lord's left arm lifts up our head and gives us joy, and his right arm covers us and protects us... and just a sweet time of prayer and face time with god lifted that darkness. i know it was lifted because today i woke up singing the song we learned last night, and i had a decently good day at school... which is mercies from heaven.

i'm just really thankful for my awesome friends and family, and a god who gives us joy and covers us in our weakness.

request for prayer

i'm asking for prayer from those of you who believe in the power of prayer...

for some reason, some demons from my past are surfacing... stuff i thought i had beat and moved passed... and it's really getting me down and discouraged. it's all in my mind... and i want to have a spiritual mindset, like pastor was talking about on sunday. it's also causing me physical discomfort - nausea, headaches...

i'm trying to muster up the strength to fight...

please give me your point of view...

this blog started off really deep... and while i still have deep thoughts once in a while, i have to share my funny stories when they happen.

so last week, i gave a test to my students on a novel we've been reading - the maldonado miracle, and one of the questions was, "What is the point of view this story is told in?" because we learned about first and third person narration.

one of my students answered, "Excellent."

i marked it, "Incorrect."

Rock Band

i played rock band at school today! my band was me on drums, and two of my 5th grade students - omar on guitar, and manny on bass. when i hit "medium" instead of "easy," omar was like, "wait, this song is hard on medium!" and i shrugged and said, "i'll be ok."

our band got 2nd place out of all the groups that played - 1st place was 8th graders.

our band's name is "spider" and we'll let you know when we're in your city.

N95 flu mask

my dad called me in a panic today from LA.. and he insisted i buy a flu mask - of the N95 variety... so, today, i went in an exhausted daze of all day school with no prep, and 4 hours of music and worship practice, to cvs, walgreens, and jewel-osco to find my flu mask. i didn't find any anywhere, so i just ordered a case online.

do you have your mask? i'll be selling them for $50 each. maybe $45 if you're nice.

i shouldn't joke... people are getting really sick from this. =(

field trip!

i took my class to the museum of contemporary art in chicago on friday, and we got there a bit early, so we went to the playground across the street. kids being kids, they went nuts!!!

the whole class organized themselves into a ginormous game of tag... and here are some of the moments i captured.

live simply

so i've been stockpiling. it's not my fault everyone's having these 'recession sales.' i now have lots of extra food wrap, aluminum foil, tampons, bare mineral make up, and frozen food. i think i bought all of this to actually SAVE money... but i'm not sure if that's going to be the result.

i might just end up with a lot more stuff than i need for a very long time. how do i know that? because i still have unused 'stuff' that i bought a long time ago i thought would help me save money.

i envy people who can live with very little material possessions. i don't want to be attached to this world as much as i am. sometimes i like to think i'm cool when i wear clothes from thrift stores, but i also have way more clothes than i need.

as i'm going through a job (and life direction) change, i also want to evaluate how i'm being a good steward of God's blessings to me. i want to give more to missions and to social justice organizations.

it's scary to think that without a job soon, i might be forced to live a more simple lifestyle. and while it's fun to save money when you have enough that you don't have to, it's another thing when you have no choice.

in shaine claiborn's the irresistible revolution, he lives with a group of people that all share what they have... and they ALL live on very little, but manage to meet everyone's needs. i think that's really cool, and way more fun than living by yourself without a real community in your neighborhood.

so maybe you'll see my stuff on amazon.com very soon.

where in the world?

i just came back from a trip to LA for spring break - a definite perk of teaching! and i was reflecting on the differences between LA and chicago... well, there's lots of opportunities for art and music, asian-dominated and asian-friendly areas, the gorgeous sunny weather, beautiful successful people....

and in chicago, we're like the overweight capital of the u.s. - maybe not chicago, but the midwest... and the asians are hidden in the dark corners, it's too cold to go out to enjoy the art and music for 8 months out of the year....

but i still feel like it has to be where God has called someone, for that person to go to that place... whether we feel happier or not there... as my friend was telling me, maybe my being in chicago helps the gospel seem more urgent and real to me than somewhere that i'm really comfortable.

i do miss my family... in every part of the world... and i wish the world was smaller so it would be easier to hang out...

eat.sleep.exercise.

i often feel like my life is one giant coping mechanism. i have quotes everywhere in my room... like

"perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did."

"put on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else"

and self-help books like 7 habits, learned optimism

and magazines like health and experience.

i got a trainer a few months ago because i wasn't taking care of myself... and recently i've been eating raw foods because i got inspired from watching "crazy, sexy cancer" and identified with the cancer patient and her search for survival, which led her to eating raw. that's a little crazy to me, that i feel like i have a terminal illness. or that i don't have room to be unhealthy.

i often wonder what my life would be like if i wasn't trying to just survive all the time. what activities i would be involved in, who i would choose to spend my time with, how much time i would spend with god.

i've been sleeping about 4-5 hours every day this week, and tonight i crashed and napped. i'm no saint - i don't spend every waking hour doing work. but i know my work hours don't end at the end of the school day and my responsibilities follow me home.

it would be interesting to hear other coping stories.... or how people balance work/home - and still get everything done.

why worship?

thank you for reading and commenting! i really appreciate your thoughts! =)

joe, i'm not sure if the two-headed monsters lived in mesopatamia!

and esther, i remember those long talks - you probably ask the deepest questions of anyone i know! i miss those times...

why worship in general? or why do i want to pursue worship as a more full-time thing?

i suppose i can answer both of those questions at the same time.

growing up in the stereotypical asian home, i learned classical piano and (insert another instrument here _______) in my case, flute. i practiced at least a couple times between lessons, and got to the point where i was competing and felt like it was an important part of my life. then senior year of high school, i had to decide what major with which to apply for college, and music did not make the cut - for me or my parents..... asian fear of instability, perhaps?

then it happens that senior year of high school, i also started helping out with worship, and more leadership in church. i was the worst ever... i never practiced, i never got the team to practice... and our youth leader was SO super-patient with me. but through that, i started to fall in love with Jesus more, because there's something about music that's directed at our Creator that makes it so beautiful.

then in college, i met lots of really passionate worshippers - some were worship leaders, some were just people who really loved God. and i learned even more how to live my life sacrificially in worship. how to have real, crazy faith, and how to pray.

this last story is why i can't do just music. last year, i went on a cruise with my family and met a jazz pianist who inspired me to want to pursue music professionally. he loved what he did and he got to travel the world and meet lots of cool people, and he got to play great music all day. so i went home, and prayed and fasted about this for several weeks. and when God finally answered, he told me to use my musical talent for worship only. for those of you musicians out there, i'm not professional-hating... i'm just saying this is what God wanted for me. i think it's because my heart is easily drawn away and i might not be strong enough to be able to withstand the temptations of the secular music industry.

so right now i love what i do at church - playing for worship and playing all different styles of music, stuff i never thought i could do. and i love that i get to do it with a really cool bunch of people who sharpen and encourage me. and that it's not about being on stage or even playing cool music - it's about pleasing the heart of God.

i can't imagine how this all will materialize - only God knows. but it's keeping me up wondering, for sure, like tonight!

the butterfly blog

so i started this blog because i really want feedback for this time of transition in my life... and hopefully, my journey is somewhat entertaining for people to follow... so please let me know your thoughts, especially advice!

the title for my blog is inspired by my friend hanna, who also described my current journey like turning into a butterfly. i really hope it turns out that way, rather than staying in the cocoon and rotting away.... or turning into a hideous two-headed monster instead. the best thing about butterflies (besides their marked wings that ward off predators) is that they never stay anywhere for long and they can always explore new landscapes and nectars.

and for me, i'm currently transitioning out of teaching and into..... who knows? i really want to be involved in music and ministry.... but i need a job first. what kind of job? i really have no idea! my skills are really random - classroom management + writing lesson plans, classical, jazz, and gospel piano, analyzing deep philosophical texts, scheduling and contacting people in the band.... and my interests are even more random - health, skincare, fashion, music, art, politics, reading, traveling, food.... sounds pretty generic, now that i look at it.

the types of jobs i've considered are real estate (seems a lot of my musician friends do this), working at whole foods, teaching piano, playing for weddings and parties, working at a christian non-profit, and being a band director. i'm a little teached-out right now and i can't see myself working in a school for the near future.

i'm glad i don't have to work immediately after school's out, and the summertime in chicago is lots of fun!