being

now that i've been on summer break (it's easier to think of it that way, rather than being unemployed), for about 10 days, i've had some - lots of - free time. during the more hectic times of the school year, i coveted free time, i longed for it, i took random days off just to have some... but it just feels strange to have so much of it.

while i was stressed out of my mind during the school year, i was secretly proud that i could handle the little sleep and being so productive.

there's no way this is harder than teaching.. but in a way, it's really hard to just be with myself for such a long stretch of time. i'm not being called on every few seconds ("Ms. Wu, Ms. Wu!") or having to submit lesson plans, grading, etcetc... and i feel a bit directionless right now.

hopefully, this post ends redemptively! i think God is teaching me that if He was all that i had, He should be enough. i can't try to fill the emptiness with productivity, or even leisure time. even if i spend more time doing ministry work, in the end, only my relationship with Him is what matters.

i think of my grandma, who spends most of her day, every day, in the house with just my grandpa and her bible and sermons on tape. her life is singularly devoted to knowing God better, even in her old age. i want to be content with my relationship with God, to the extent of where not even having a job or a direction in life would be just fine.